i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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