kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
