The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
