She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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