i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
