it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
