1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
