so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
