you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
