Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
