after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
