I haven't been this sober since birth.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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