The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
