Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize