My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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