she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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