does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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