tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
