If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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