He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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