my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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