my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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