Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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