my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
