I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
