There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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