Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
