I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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