I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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