So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
soo... how was my night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
