I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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