I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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