Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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