I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
