I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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