This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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