Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
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I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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