Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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