we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
