she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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