I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
