i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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