Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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