I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
