The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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