no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
