if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
