this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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