so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
