if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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