I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
