either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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