I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
