I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
