Banned from zoo.
Again?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
