You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
do nipples grow back?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
